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breathlessfaults
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Name: Ask and I might say
Birthday: 1/8/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: music such as classical, rock, heavy rock, goth metal, alt., pop, some country, some jazz, oldies, old rock and ska. I use to Sing(soprano 1 n 2 and alto 1) but due to depression and this eating disorder it has become impossible, being thin, poetry, writing, creative writing, taking photos, fashion, studying art,ocean,mountains,meadows,red roses,books, the doors, a perfect circle, pink floyd, Hawthorne Heights, Mudvayne, kittie, cradle of filth, evanescence, queen of the damned music, anything different, rare beauty, candy, cigarettes, Im trying to resist my cutting tendencies, spacing out, the unthinkable, trying to get my heart back from a person that I loved with all my heart and never loved me in return afterall...I made mistakes, though so did he but I knew how in love I was with him...and he was never in love with me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me-
To love and to never be loved
Occupation: Staying Alive
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/27/2004
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| Hello everyone-well I am still 114. I have to weigh myself today later to make sure I still am and it would be really awesome if I was lower but I doubt it...this is when the numbers go down slower now for me at least(so it seems.) Yesterday intake- -a salad(not sure what the calories/fat is) -j-e-l-l-o(around 350 calories/0 fat) -I drank last night(around 700 calories) Ugh, thats why I don't drink hardly as much as I use to...too many calories and thats also why I don't know how many calories that salad had...I was kinda drunk...and thats the main reason I don't drink-I tend to eat whatever and not care about the calories or fat grams in the moment and then I pass out and wakeup and feel AWEFUL! Well I hope to see my boyfriend today later on-he has been away.... I really have to step up this whole wanting to lose weight thing faster because I feel stuck again..even though I have lost around 3 pounds this week-its not good enough-it just makes me feel sick I'm at this weight-I feel like I can't wear anything right now other than big, baggy clothes- I hope this feeling goes away- But it never does- | | |
| I'm sorry its been so long since I have wrote in my xanga-I really am and I am not going to keep doing that where I leave for months at a time-Thank you everyone for your comments-I will get back to all of them here really soon- I relapsed and use still(pills/drink/weed.) I don't do it as often as I use to but its still there. As for my eating disorder, it is frustrating-I looked on the scale today and it said I weighed 114-booo to that-I'm almost 5'4 in height and I don't like that weight at all-to me, that sucks-I really want to reach 105 and then so forth-I really want to have the really thin, thin look-I think its beautiful-a lot of people would say its not healthy looking but I think its beautiful-its hard to change that....thats just what I feel and think and see... Oct 31st intake- -jello(around 400 calories) -a couple of grapes Ugh, my body aches...I walked a couple miles today at least(walked downtown) and got those pills again that I use...it makes me sad I still have problems with these pills. I took some and then the rest I flushed down the toilet-it all is crazy really-those pills really are. Now I want to get them tomorrow but I know I need to stay away from them...I have to-I have to- I just need to focus on the intakes and what my goals are for all things- Yeah-wish me luck on all of that- | | |
| Well I was in treatment for 21 days....I was getting messed up on pills,alcohol,weed everyday and it was getting bad...I have been sober for 53 days now. Tonight I took 2 diet pills because I want to boost up my metabolism....and I had 3 low carb monsters so far tonight....I have to lose weight....I am so sick of being in the 120s....I was down to 108 last Nov. but everyone kept telling me I needed to pick up weight and that I would look so much better if I gained weight and then I did gain weight and I felt like shit. So now I am losing it all over again. I kind of feel sick from those diet pills now but oh well.....I need a job. I also feel so lonely....would anyone here on xanga please talk to me and become my friend? I really need a friend.....I hate being sad. | | |
| And yet here I sit and ponder the meaning of solitude. What does that mean anyway? In my world it doesn't exist. If it does in yours-then I embrace you with congrats. But I'm yet to seek it. Yet to hear it. Yet to smell it. Yet to taste it. Yet to feel it. Solitude-A word with misleading intentions.
 
-The Heart Of Everything- | | |
| I don't know what to think anymore....if I ever knew to begin with. I'm single...and hating it. But at least I'm not bound by someone. At least I'm free right now....just not free of myself. I don't feel alive anymore....or do I? I really wouldn't know how to pin that. I don't want to feel like I have to be with a guy to be happy though and thats exactly what I do. I feel like I have to have a guy to make me feel anywhere near happy. I think it has a lot to do with the father that I never met. I've never met my father or seen what he looks like and hes never seen me and he denies that I'm even his child and pretends he doesn't know who my mother is. Yeah that would be my father. And what makes it worse-I look just like him my mother says and I don't look anything like her. I'm like the odd one in the family....I'm just different from them. I don't really get along with anyone in my family that well-especially now. My mother doesn't even want to see me. She told me she doesn't like me and I don't like her and she has nothing to say to me and that I have nothing to say to her. I miss college. I have to go back in the fall. I need a job...lost my last one due to me being fucked up. It was aweful....but some good did come out of it. I don't want to look now though because nothing is hiring due to the holidays but I'm also going out of town early January. Because once I get a job thats it. I am yet again bound to something. I hate being bound to anything anymore. I just want to be happy...Is that so hard? -Yes- I feel like a slut....guys get with me and I know there using me for sex and then just toss me to the wolves. Or maybe I'm the one tossing myself to them? Possibly....whatever it is....it isn't good. I feel more soulless everyday. No matter how much/how much I don't eat....I still feel empty. As for food....I won't even look on a scale. I can't. I'm too scared of what I will see. If I decide to go on one I will freak out. I know I have gained weight. Everyone told me I needed to and that I was too small and unhealthy looking and now they say that I look healthy and have curves and all that constant crap. I DON'T WANT CURVES. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK HEALTHY. I WANT TO LOOK LIKE WHAT I LOOK LIKE ON THE INSIDE. -DEAD- | | |
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